Why the heck was I so unmotivated?
My whole life I have watched other people find their way in life, stumbling, falling, and tumbling down hills, but finding their way nonetheless. I could never figure out why every time I made it up even a small hill, it erupted like a volcano before me, and I was left with ashes and soot. They say that cooled lava is some of the richest soil in the world, so I should have been up to my eyeballs in lush, green, paradise. Or at least on the tour bus to the resort.
Then I was forced to take a break, really buckle down and do some life-skill learning, and along the way I discovered "the other one" of two things about myself that surprised the hell out of me when they came to my attention: 1) I'm an introvert 2) I am a Right-Brained person.
The first one I figured out a while ago. While I've gotten good at being social and such, I come away from most interactions and events utterly exhausted.
The second one (I am Right-Brained) you couldn't have convinced me of before if you had paid me a million dollars. Well, okay, maybe then, but under protest. I felt a lot of things when this realization happened. Incredulous, joy, fear, relief, lost, stupid for not seeing it sooner, yet to finally unravel part of the "why" behind all my feelings over the years was amazing. I had felt out of place, alien, drained, unmotivated, and all around miserable at previous jobs. I've been an Administrative Assistant, An Executive Assistant, and worked in Human Resources. All of which required attention to detail and repetitive follow through on procedures and systems.
I was great at setting up the systems. Streamlining, documenting, training - it was all peachy! Until I had to follow my own system. Then. Brick. Wall. Stop. Turns out I love the creative process WAY more then actually doing the process, but business is mostly a Left-Brain world. At leas the part of the business world I was in. I'm sure some of you are in the same dingy, racing down the same, roaring river, dodging rocks and trees and getting closer and closer to that...peaceful pool at the bottom of the waterfall.
This "a ha" moment has let me to realize most of the things I do to rejuvenate, calm my anxiety, and all around feel in control, are mostly creative activities. From creating a an organizational/storage system for my home, to organizing a presentation or itinerary into a binder, I thrive on getting it just right, but not doing it just right over and over. I get excited about finding efficiency, order, the best way to solve a problem, and it's a huge bonus if I get to do it in a cute and colorful way.
So, I am going to. The details are gelling, but I know it will have something to do with the pain and joy of having preemies, while having Anxiety, and dealing with PTSD. The hair clips, in some form, are staying, but I would like to add all the things I wish I had in the 105 days we were in the NICU. I am setting up a Business Plan with a Right-Brained planning book. I am acknowledging my need to create, so am weaving into A Wonderful Yarn. (See what I did there?) I want to make it into something colorful, inspiring, and healing.
I am excited to take this journey and see, over time, what the realization does for Anxiety and shtuff. I hope to see walk with me off and on along the way.
Eclectic crochet fanatic & designer. Mpls, Sci Fi, God, JRTs, girls-6,6,3 & hubs=love. firstname.lastname@example.org